penny for your thoughts?

Hey y'all. Remember, we've established that that's how I'm addressing all 5 of you loyal readers who dabble in my blog. I'm here. At work. I know right, you're thinking "it's 5 o'clock in the morning. (It's five o'clock in the morning. GIRL. TPain, Lilly Allen? Anyone getting it??). Might just be me. Anyway, yes. I'm at work. My schedule requires I work one overnight a week so here we are. Anyway, I'm sitting here and late night thoughts are creeping in. I'm reading blog after blog, article after article, scrolling through Instagram for funny gifs, inspirational quotes, and looking at perfect couples/families that give me hope for the future but also make me hate the season I'm in at the same time. I read somewhere that the world we live in nowadays makes it so easy for us to FULLY (so we think) engage in someone else's life while disengaging in our own. I can't count the amount of random people I know on social media just from scrolling through the search page. Why am I following up with these people? They don't even know me, we're not friends. Who cares? I don't know how to stop. It's become a habit, no, more than that. It's like I go on there every time seeking something. A few words strung together that will hit me right where it needs to and change my life forever, a picture of a family that I wish to have someday to remind me what I'm working towards, or a funny post to then repost to my story to show people just how funny I am, as if I'm not unless other people think so too. WHAT!

I've finally realized that I'm drawn to all those things because I feel that these small, worldly joys are what is going to fulfill my life and make me happy. And they will and do. Of course, looking at something funny that makes me laugh is never a bad thing, but when I have to share it so other people can see that I shared it and think I'm funny, because of course by me sharing it, that means I'm the one that came up with it. A good quote is great. It gets you thinking about things and makes you feel good, for about 10 seconds and then it goes away. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking at a beautiful family and having hope for the future one I plan on having someday. But what's the point of getting everything you want and STILL not being happy. That's my biggest fear y'all. Because then what? What do you do? You can't gain any more and be happy. So what? What's the answer?

For me the answer is God. I don't know why He's the last thing I run to when He's really the only sustainable thing. He's always there. He's a guarantee. In a life where almost nothing is, it's nice to know that there is something you can turn to that is lasting. But I take it for granted. I act like He's not there. I ask myself why. The answer is, it's easy. It's easy to look to all these other things that are right in my hand rather than actually seek Him. Because it's hard. It's not easy to seek him. Our apps are disposable, at the touch of a button. God is where? How far away? How many buttons do we need to tap to reach him? I can't scroll a few pages with my index finger, or thumb, or middle finger, or pinky! (Whichever you use) and find him. We have to talk to Him, which in my brain I'm like "What the heck do I even say?". All He really wants is for you to tell him how you feel, what's going on in your life, your hopes, dreams, worries, fears. He wants it all. He wants a relationship with you. Sometimes it's even listening to worship music, which can be hard with all the new bangers coming out. Maybe even going to church on Sunday morning, which if you're anything like me, it's SO hard to even make the 10 am service. Bed is. just. too. comfortable. But really, for me personally, it's in these three things that I find God. That I feel closest to him. I chase it for a minute but then, decide it's too hard and give up. Can you imagine having a relationship like that. Not putting in any effort, barely talking, of course it's going to fail!!! I don't wanna do that anymore this decade. I wanna experience what it would be like if I didn't give up. If I full on went ahead and pursued God with everything. If I sought after him first before anything else. I am learning that true happiness is only going to come from knowing Him and knowing who I am in Him and because of Him. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize I never truly knew what it was to be happy, joyful, at peace, and content. That's what I'm praying for in 2020 and in the rest of my time here. Life's too short, and I plan on making the best out of mine.

XO,

Mar